This is Not a Sex Joke

Allow me to share something I once considered a hilarious sex joke. The lead character on Herman's Head (stop laughing) was a fact-checker and had approved a line of text that said the average weight of a testicle in Denmark as 1.5 pounds (not ounces). To which co-star Yeardly Smith replied "Maybe that's where the expression Great Dane comes from." Maybe it's because I was eleven at the time, but that was hilarious. I'm reminded of this because I just read a script with a great premise that was ruined by a plethora - nay, an invasion - of sex references trying with more than a faint wiff of desperation to pass as jokes. Have you ever seen Marshall's stand-up routine on How I Met Your Mother? He essentially says 'Fish are funny, right? What's up with fish?' He then goes on to just throw out some names of fish. That's the joke. That's all of the jokes. But they're not jokes. They're references. A joke has creativity. Sometimes in wordplay, sometimes in visuals. A joke is more than 'Hey, sex is a thing. Maybe you want SEX! Maybe we could have SEX!' Referencing sex is not inherently creative. Or funny. Which means it's not a joke. I'm all for a good sex joke. I think I've revealed here that if you travel back in time to my middle-school days, my standards aren't high. But there has to be a joke in there somewhere. Go back over your scripts and look at every sex joke. Ask yourselves, are these really jokes? Or is it the sexual equivalent of 'What's up with fish?'

Perfunctory Moments

According to Miriam-Webster, the word perfunctory is-

Just kidding. I would never subject you to the moist handshake of essay openers. But while we're on the subject, now is a good time to talk about your throw-away moments. The moments you have to get through the show the big plot point you can't wait to write.

Take a woman about to discover a body. Or a killer. Whatever. How do you make the start of the scene stand out? To you, she may just be PERSON ABOUT TO DISCOVER BODY (housewife, 40s). To a good writer, she's a woman in the middle of a day. Good day? Bad? Maybe she's soaked from the rain. Maybe the paper bag of groceries is so wet it breaks. Perhaps a PEAR rolls to the front door of her apartment where the shadow of TWO FEET are visible under the door...

In some scripts the writer is so excited to drop a body (or discover one) the scene leading up to that moment could've been written by a computer program. I'm not even talking about a good computer program. A $4.99 in Fry's discount bin, cutting edge of 1997 kind of program.

When your script is finished, go back to your big reveals - especially those after throw-away moments - and ask yourself if you really need to throw those moments away.

Every scene we read is time we give to your script. Throw-away moments let us know if you value our time as much as you value your own.

A Laugh Riot

Here's a quick way to make your script more professional: search every scene for the word 'laugh.' Then - and this is the hard part - be honest with yourself about if the laugh would happen in real life.

I just got through a script where whenever the words 'she/he laughs' appeared I mentally added '...for no discernible reason.' It made the story sound like a bad 80s sitcom with canned laughter added far too many times.

If the situation isn't supposed to be funny call it a nervous laugh, or a laugh to break the tension. That's fine. But if it is supposed to be funny and isn't either make it funny or don't indicate that everyone finds it hilarious.

Remenber, a smile will let us know someone is being found charming or cute, and is a better choice if the situation is only debatably funny.

"I Suppose You're Wondering Why I've Called You Here..."

"Who's this guy? Is that what you're wondering? Don't worry. We'll meet him later."

Actually, I was wondering who taught you chatting with the reader in your action notes was kosher.

Then I wondered how we can make them stop.

Now I'm wondering how much whiskey I have in the house.

Bye Bye

If you want to come accross as professional, please don't use both "screenply by" and "story by" on your cover if it's the same name both times. Save that for when different people perform those tasks.

Some films do show both, but on a script it makes you appeare desperate for credit, like your next note might say 'typed by,' or 'formatted by.'

It's enough to make a reader want to say Bye-bye.