This is Not a Sex Joke

Allow me to share something I once considered a hilarious sex joke. The lead character on Herman's Head (stop laughing) was a fact-checker and had approved a line of text that said the average weight of a testicle in Denmark as 1.5 pounds (not ounces). To which co-star Yeardly Smith replied "Maybe that's where the expression Great Dane comes from." Maybe it's because I was eleven at the time, but that was hilarious. I'm reminded of this because I just read a script with a great premise that was ruined by a plethora - nay, an invasion - of sex references trying with more than a faint wiff of desperation to pass as jokes. Have you ever seen Marshall's stand-up routine on How I Met Your Mother? He essentially says 'Fish are funny, right? What's up with fish?' He then goes on to just throw out some names of fish. That's the joke. That's all of the jokes. But they're not jokes. They're references. A joke has creativity. Sometimes in wordplay, sometimes in visuals. A joke is more than 'Hey, sex is a thing. Maybe you want SEX! Maybe we could have SEX!' Referencing sex is not inherently creative. Or funny. Which means it's not a joke. I'm all for a good sex joke. I think I've revealed here that if you travel back in time to my middle-school days, my standards aren't high. But there has to be a joke in there somewhere. Go back over your scripts and look at every sex joke. Ask yourselves, are these really jokes? Or is it the sexual equivalent of 'What's up with fish?'

Perfunctory Moments

According to Miriam-Webster, the word perfunctory is-

Just kidding. I would never subject you to the moist handshake of essay openers. But while we're on the subject, now is a good time to talk about your throw-away moments. The moments you have to get through the show the big plot point you can't wait to write.

Take a woman about to discover a body. Or a killer. Whatever. How do you make the start of the scene stand out? To you, she may just be PERSON ABOUT TO DISCOVER BODY (housewife, 40s). To a good writer, she's a woman in the middle of a day. Good day? Bad? Maybe she's soaked from the rain. Maybe the paper bag of groceries is so wet it breaks. Perhaps a PEAR rolls to the front door of her apartment where the shadow of TWO FEET are visible under the door...

In some scripts the writer is so excited to drop a body (or discover one) the scene leading up to that moment could've been written by a computer program. I'm not even talking about a good computer program. A $4.99 in Fry's discount bin, cutting edge of 1997 kind of program.

When your script is finished, go back to your big reveals - especially those after throw-away moments - and ask yourself if you really need to throw those moments away.

Every scene we read is time we give to your script. Throw-away moments let us know if you value our time as much as you value your own.

A Laugh Riot

Here's a quick way to make your script more professional: search every scene for the word 'laugh.' Then - and this is the hard part - be honest with yourself about if the laugh would happen in real life.

I just got through a script where whenever the words 'she/he laughs' appeared I mentally added '...for no discernible reason.' It made the story sound like a bad 80s sitcom with canned laughter added far too many times.

If the situation isn't supposed to be funny call it a nervous laugh, or a laugh to break the tension. That's fine. But if it is supposed to be funny and isn't either make it funny or don't indicate that everyone finds it hilarious.

Remenber, a smile will let us know someone is being found charming or cute, and is a better choice if the situation is only debatably funny.

"I Suppose You're Wondering Why I've Called You Here..."

"Who's this guy? Is that what you're wondering? Don't worry. We'll meet him later."

Actually, I was wondering who taught you chatting with the reader in your action notes was kosher.

Then I wondered how we can make them stop.

Now I'm wondering how much whiskey I have in the house.

Bye Bye

If you want to come accross as professional, please don't use both "screenply by" and "story by" on your cover if it's the same name both times. Save that for when different people perform those tasks.

Some films do show both, but on a script it makes you appeare desperate for credit, like your next note might say 'typed by,' or 'formatted by.'

It's enough to make a reader want to say Bye-bye.

One for the Ladies

Dear female screenwriters:

I can't speak for my male colleagues, but if you think it isn't obvious to readers of both genders that when you write a story about a husband cheating it's always about a selfish man hurting a sensitive woman and when you write about a wife cheating it's always a journey of self-discovery you would be incorrect.

It is obvious. Very much so.

Just because Firefox spell check doesn't recognize misandry doesn't mean your readers don't recognize it. We sure see it often enough.

Check Yourself

Yes, I fact check historical scripts on Wikipedia.

If an altered fact makes for a better story, go for it. If it's just something you think is true and can't be bothered to look up, I will Google it.

An excellent script is always easy to recommend, but if one simple Google/Wiki search can prove your facts wrong it will make it harder to root for your work.

Action, Not Action Action Action

To my delight and delectation I have a script today where the action lines do NOT look like this:

This is not an action line, it's a paragraph. This is not an action line, it's a paragraph. This is not an action line, it's a paragraph. This is not an action line, it's a paragraph. This is not an action line, it's a paragraph. This is not an action line, it's a paragraph. This is not an action line, it's a paragraph. This is not an action line, it's a paragraph.

Happy day!

However, in this case the action looks more like this:

This is an action line.
This is a redundant action line.
This is a redundant action line.
This is a redundant action line.
This is a redundant action line.
This is a redundant action line.

Close. So close!

The important thing to remember about action lines is they're all about brevity. Don't tell us everything we see, tell us everything we need to see. For example:

CHARACTER eats RIBS at the table. Messy, but clearly his favorite.

The DOORBELL rings.

Sauce all over him, CHARACTER looks around for a napkin, paper towel... He grabs a TIE from a nearby LAUNDRY BASKET as he rushes to the door.

Beats both of the following:

********************************************

CHARACTER sits at a dinning room table, a plate of RIBS in front of him. Hot. Steaming. Messy as all Hell. Real 4th of July feast food. He reaches for the first one with obvious anticipation and takes a huge bite. His face reflects the high quality of the meal. Soooo good! This man clearly likes to eat like a king - specifically Henry the VIII.

The DOORBELL rings.

Shoot! Character looks around, aware of how messy he must look. If rib sauce were blood he'd look like a vampire right about now! He turns to the right and the left, looking for sanitary salvation. Is there a napkin nearby? A paper towel? ANYTHING?

He stands and pushes his chair back from the table. Now he's frantic! There's got to be something! He looks around, taking in a full 360 of the room. Not even a window curtain! Damn you, Venetian blinds!

Suddenly, an idea hits him! He rushes to the LAUNDRY BASKET and pulls out a tie he never liked. Well, he likes it now!

The last of the 'evidence' removed, he saunters with casual aplomb to the door...

********************************************

CHARACTER sits at a dinning room table.

He reaches for a plate of RIBS.

He digs in.

He licks sauce off his fingers with obvious relish.

He smiles.

The DOORBELL rings.

He looks up, alarmed.

He looks left and right.

He stands up.

He walks away from the table.

He inspects the room.

He sees a LAUNDRY BASKET.

He approaches the basket and looks at the top items.

He grabs a TIE.

He wipes his face and fingers off.

He goes to the door.

********************************************

The first example shows roughly the same story, but with far more economy of space. The second looks like it was lifted out of an unpublished novel. The third looks like the writer doesn't think we understand that a door will be walked to before it will be opened.

Mistakes like these kill pacing and wreck havoc with page counts.

Action lines. Short. Sharp. Packed with necessary info. That's what they should be, and in good scripts that's what they are.

Buried Under 50 Feet of Gild: A Lily

True, we readers are often a tired bunch. We read at five in the morning to avoid exercise. We read on planes to avoid talk about 'the game last night.' We read when other people's children scream because other people's children are screaming. We can miss things. Been known to happen.

That is no reason to highlight a joke WITH CAPS! AND BOLD TYPE! AND UNDERLINING! AND ITALICS!

This is the screenplay equivalent of Myspace sparkle font. It makes me recoil from my screen. I can't tell if you think I'm dumb or if this is your one good joke and you're worried I'll miss it.

I respect you. I've been where you are. I know it's a hard job. Throw a little respect back to your reader and the process works better for everyone. Especially you.

/the four exclamation marks alone would have sufficed

Formality Flaws

Picture in your mind a proud, anxious young man in a job interview. Think about how he'd like to sound.

"Good afternoon, sir. Thank you for meeting me. And for this opportunity. I really appreciate it."

Short, flavorless sentences. Few contractions. Formality.

Every year I read scripts where characters speak like this all the time. It's the cinematic equivalent of a Martini so dry they skipped the water *and* the alcohol.

Your script is part job interview. True. But it should never sound like one. Even calm, respectful characters speak with creativity. If you doubt this, see Larry Crown. It's a masterwork of good characters that sound different from the lead and from each other.

Life isn't one long job interview. Neither is your next great script.

TITLE

If you want to use the title in a line of dialogue that's your choice. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Your call. But for the love of Pete please don't write it in CAPS. We get it already. We do. And if we didn't get it it's probably because we don't want it. CAPS won't change that.

As You Know...

If you start a diologue line with "As you know-" you might as well stamp INFODUMP on the page.

"As you know..." is not only a notorious lead in for infodumps, it's also bad dialogue. When was the last time you heard it outside of a business meeting? Or heard good dialogue inside of one?

If you see "As you know..." in your script jazz it up (have someone react to how patronizing it is) or cut it out. It rarely leads anywhere worth going.

As you know.

Disappointment Drama Is Disappointing

Here's a script I see every year: The lead is cynical. The world then validates the lead's view by treating him like crap. Things get worse.

The end.

While you may not realize it, what this script says is "MY LEAD IS ALWAYS RIGHT." Complete with caps locks.

There are a lot of things drama is. What's it's not is a predictable journey from one character letting people down to another. My nickname for this is 'Disappointment Drama.' It is not a remarkable insight into the human condition. It's a livejournal rant that runs for over 90 pages.

If you want to showcase the worst in human behavior you need to contrast it with something. It doesn't have to be the best of humanity, just something other than ceaseless, pulse-less ennui. Perhaps it brings a good man down, results in war, destroys an empire...

Change is the key. People don't pay to watch the grass grow but if your lead is always right they might as well have. At least then they'd see some growth.

Perhaps the title for this post should be 'Disappointment Drama is Dull.' Because it is.

Good writing shouldn't be.

This also goes for everyone writing passive heroines (yes, they're mostly heroines), the kind who stare listlessly out kitchen windows while their men sleep with their friends and their children sneak money from their purse. The kind that spend whole scripts waiting for someone else (usually a man) to step in and fix their life for them.

Remember: If people consider someone doing nothing for hours on end grand entertainment they'll buy a statue.

Word of the Day

A cool word or phrase will get my attention at first usage.

At the second, it sounds like you're saying 'Hey, remember that time I used that cool word or phrase? That was cool, right?'

By the third it's just sad.

'Calendar Girls' has an example of this dead-horsification: "Jam and Jerusalem," a nickname for how the ladies' in the club spend their time, eating jam on bread and singing the British hymn 'Jerusalem.' If I remember right they dropped it like it was hot at least three times. By the third it was room temp at best.

Words and phrases I've seen used multiple times within one script for no reason include: Chupacabra, riding b*tch, sloppy seconds, miasma, and more...

This is an intermediate note so it may not apply to you. But think about how often your favorite words/terms show up in your script and remember the golden rule:

When it doubt, cut it out.

Montage vs. The Off Screen Film

Montage: a reader gets 4 scripts in a week that abuse the montage. A bottle of ASPRIN is grabbed. Whiskey poured. A blog post begins...

A montage should only show things we need to see, either logically or emotionally. A team weak in one scene can not be olympic-caliber in the next. Someone getting over a traumatic break up will not stroll into the next scene without wear and tear. We get that. It's needed.

Here's when it's not:

It's not needed to show us things we already know happen. If a man is rescued from a deserted island we know he will pack up his things. We know he may say goodbye to a pet. He'll look around one last time. He'll board the plane. He'll look out the window, perhaps with a memento on his lap. We know he'll be greeted at the end by someone. We know they'll shake hands.

Other than the looking out the window as the island recedes into his past, we don't need to see any of that.

A montage isn't every moment not important enough to be a scene. It's what must be shown for the next scene to make sense.

The emotional side is when we've taken a journey with the character and want to see the fruition. Being handed a trophy or diploma, smiling/waving afterward... All good.

Dressing up beforehand, walking to the stadium, looking nervous, waving to friends, adjusting stuffy clothes, wiping off sweat, posing for pics, walking to the car after... Any of those can be included if you build a scene around them. If you don't but montage them you're implying we don't know they happen. We do.

As a fellow reader put it when I asked if she'd seen this glitch recently: "It's called the off screen film. Learn it. Live it."

EXCEPTION: If a montage sets up your world at the start of the script or after arriving in a new environment. Even simple moments can tell us a lot in those circumstances. But use sparingly. Better to montage too few shots than too many.

10 Page Rules: Gold from Go

Poking out of my cave I notice I've missed a controversy about contest readers.  Namely, that some of us get through 75 scripts in 3 hours.  I'm not sure I believe the person who posted that (though we know no one lies on the internet) but here's some info on the 10 page rule...

It works.

Not at 10 pages.  I usually do 30-80, but the concept is the same.   There is a reason and perhaps nothing else I say will be as important as this:

Every year I read multiple scripts that are great from page one. 

Multiple scripts.  From.  Page.  One.

Pretending a script that only develops after it's burned through 20 pages is as well-written as scripts that are gold from go is an insult to the writer you will become.  Because you will write a gold from go script.   With hard work and research you can get there.  

As a low-level reader, I'm as low on the totem pole as you can get without having to walk someone's dog (which I know because I've also been the dog-walker).  I'm like the guy you sing for in the Idol audition who clears you for the next level or not.

He doesn't need to hear the whole song.

People hate this because a script is both execution & idea, and without the whole script how can I judge the idea?  For starters, I read the start, middle, and end until I have the idea.  I like ideas. 

But a great script is excellent idea plus excellent execution.   Not either or.  BOTH.  Many scripts have this.  Those get my recommendation.

You will write one of those scripts.  The fact you read an obscure blog that doesn't even allow showboating comments is a good indicator you're in this to win it.  When you're at that level I will fight for you.  I send emails about scripts I like.  I cheerlead. 

Until then the worst thing that can happen is a mediocre script gets splashed around town with your name on it. That's the nightmare scenario.  You want to be an unknown writer while you develop.  It's protection. 

It beats the Hell out of being the writer known for his sh*tty first 10 pages. 

The I.Q. Test

Here's a question I wanted to pose to a writer today: Does the place your lead works require the rest of their staff to be slightly dumb? Or is it that you require all characters that orbit around your lead to be dumb so that we can all understand how smart he is?

The I.Q. test. It isn't applied to your lead, it's applied to secondary characters. Making them dumber does not make the lead smarter. It makes the script vapid.

Audiences like smart characters but they don't grade on a curve.

Pathos != Comedy

Here's a type of script I get about once a week:

The lead is selfless. Noble. Does everything for her husband/wife/boss even though they don't even notice. All around the lead friends say 'Be more selfish! Steal their money! Ditch work! You deserve it!'

The lead then leaves said spouse/boss, struggles without much struggle for about an act, meets someone awesome (awesome in these script always equals noticing that the lead is really the awesome one) and then leads the life to which they were entitled. Awesome.

Can you spot the comedy is this set-up? Neither can I, and I've looked.

I think it has something to do with how everyone who isn't the author-insert is an amoral shrew or lying, weapons-grade sack o' scum. Or perhaps the hilarity is in the first act where the lead is stepped on by everyone other than a two-dimensional buddy character that exists for no reason other than to have less morals than the lead and/or give them someone to talk to.

The love interest/new boss is the exception but still isn't much more than a sock puppet. They get to share the lead's claim on good behavior but only to show how 'good people' love the lead.

If this is your kind of script I probably can't talk you off the ledge. Just don't label it a comedy. I haven't laughed yet.

How to Make 10 Mistakes on the First Page

Hard to believe, but I just found a script with 10 no-no's on page one:

1. Slug line did not specify setting of first scene, just the building

2. Scene moved between four rooms/locations w/o scene changes

3. Action lines filled with multiple, separate, actions. Fine for a novel, but not a script

4. Action lines tell us info we could not possibly see

5. Lead character's name in caps twice instead of just at first sight

6. Other character's name not in caps at first sight

7. Upcoming plot point is something we could see in a few pages, but the lead tells us about it instead (killing the mystery and breaking the 'show, don't tell' rule)

8. Dialogue states the same point twice

9. Specific song was mentioned as playing on radio

10. Lots of 'we see's in action lines

And one to grow on in case any of the above are up for debate:

11. No description given on meeting any of the characters

Art has few rules, but screenwriting is an art that has quite a few. I recommend scripts that break a few here and there, but ten in the first page? No reader could recommend this without risking their job.

Help us help you. Master the rules. Then, whether you follow all of them or not, your mastery will show in your work.

This Next Bit is Awesome....

Remember I asked you not to write novels in 'action lines?' That maybe we don't call them 'action lines' just because calling them 'unpublished novel lines' would be too many syllables? I have an addendum...

Also avoid using your action lines to tell us how awesome, or deep, or metaphorical your next bit of dialogue is.

If it is good, you just undercut it with a spoiler. If it isn't... I don't need to explain the downside to that.