Borographies

Just back from the new Writer's Store location in Burbank. One can now buy brads in the Valley. Proof miracles happen!

Today's lament: Borographers. You know who you are. You take a perfectly good dead person and try to pull a Frankenstein, only you adore them so much you can't bear to flesh them out. So instead they stumble around half-fleshed, scare the villagers, and leave bits of foot and arm on the floor where they smack into things.

Real people were once real people. Science tells us this. Yes, it's hard to get a full arc going when the end result is obvious (like William Wallace *wasn't* going to open a can of Iron Bru on the English) but it's still important to take a swing at one.

This isn't The Simpsons. "It's just a bunch of stuff that happened" is not good enough, even if it's historically accurate.

Conflicting Emotions

The three most common ways to FUBAR conflict.

1. Conflict missing, presumed icky
Sure we identify with our characters. How else would we know what they're about to say? Maybe that means conflict makes you uncomfortable.

Tough. Strap on a helmet and get in there.

2. Under-conflicted
See season two Numb3rs. The conflict would involve one character making a guess about another then being proved wrong - all without that problematic 'confrontation' stuff. A potential disagreement would be hinted at and apologized for... all without the trouble of actually happening.

3. DID YOU JUST CALL ME CONFLICTED???
Season 3 Veronica Mars has a great example of this. The victims of a serial date-rapist on campus think their perp may be a member of a frat. The titular PI is hired by the frat to exonerate them and in so doing gets a photo of the elusive criminal. Naturally the victims on a desperate hunt for justice are... pissed as all heck? What?

Veronica Mars was a good show with great dialogue but they passed out at the switch here. I'm sure if cornered a rep for the show would say something like 'The women believed the frat contributed to a culture of ra-'

Sorry, I can't write b.s. that thick without pausing for air. It was a classic example of 'We want a conflict so, uh, you guys. Yeah, you're totally pissed' writing.

When I come across this in scripts I assume the writer has few social skills and doesn't grasp why people get mad at them.

That's the generous estimate. The other is they're lazy.

Write conflicts. Make them believable. I know it sounds like a waste of good cyberspace to say this but you'd be stunned how often it's missed.

Eyesore

First rule of Screenwrite Club: If we don't need to know, we don't need to know.

I'm looking at you, 'deep, hazel eyes' writers! Unless it relates to a plot point (like a sign of infection in 28 Days Later) we don't need to know eye color. You're just making yourself sound unprofessional.

And no one's eyes are cerulean. Stop right now. Back away from the thesaurus.

Entitlement Issues

Entitlement is a problem in the industry. Using 'entitled' instead of 'titled' makes me suspect you think you're writing the next great American whatever.

Not everyone is bothered by this, but many are. If you think you're hitting my read pile soon, save yourself some letters in the description and just 'title' the thing.

"A Myriad of..." No.

Every time a writer uses myriad correctly, an angel gets its wings.

True story.

Claud Rain's Resume

There is no way I can look at a character and know what they minored in in college. Therefore it should not be mentioned in the character description.

If I can't see it don't say it!

Chastity St. Cloud

If your lead's name sounds like either a romance novel heroine or a porn star the script will lose a point with me.

I'd love to say I bear no malice aforethought to characters like Dusty Boner or Lily McSweetness, but I'd be lying. Unless you're going for an over-the-top angle like a character on Pushing Daisies, then it's fun.

Otherwise, leave it for The Pie Maker.

"HELLO: My Name Is..."

It's not often I see a synopsis, so on this note YMMV. But why in the name of Great Ceasar's ghost do so many writers feel the need to mention the lead's name?

Unless it's a famous historical or fictional name, like Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, you should leave it out. It's not like reading "After losing her spot on the Olympic synchronized swim team Kate* Winterbourn must accept her status as an alternate... AND DIFFUSE A TICKING BOMB!" will prompt me to think 'Didn't I meet Kate at that 4th of July party?'

When in doubt leave it out goes double for your synopsis and logline. The lead's name should be straight to the bin, nothing but net.

*I'd also like to point out not all white chicks are named Kate, but as a white chick called Kate myself I'll just STFU and GBTW.

It's the Only Way to be Sure

Yes, I can tell when you're writing about yourself.

This isn't just for autobios. It could be an obvious hit job against your ex. Wife, boyfriend, boss, I've seen 'em all.

Ask yourself if any of this sounds familiar: The secondary characters are thin and one note, 99% of the dialogue revolves around the lead and her/his wants, characters don't exist outside the lead's presence, there's an obvious mistake made but no one else understands, the lead is blamed even when they've done nothing wrong, not liking the lead is a sign a secondary character is weak or evil, the love interest is nearly perfect (and also undeveloped)...

And the number one sign your lead is an author insert, when asked to describe their biggest flaws are you tempted to say they're "too smart" or they "care too much?" If so, gut the script.

Or nuke it from space. Either way you'll save yourself some time.

Cut "CUT"

We don't need to read "CUT TO:" When you start a new scene it's implied.

This one search & destroy will help your page count and your reader credibility.

A Novel Concept

This is your screenplay.
This is your book.
Can't tell the difference?
Then dodge my right hook.

Apologies. I needed the rhyme. The point stands: A book and a screenplay are different things. The key difference (other than the obvious ones) is in the descriptions.

ACTION LINES should look like this.

What action lines should not look like is this. Right here. You're looking at it. You're bored already aren't you? I am, and I'm writing it. Paragraphing, paragraphing away, too much text, killing trees. Why, yes, printer cartridges do grow on trees in my world, thanks for asking! Hang on, I think I've got a few other random points to make - and as long as it's all squished into one paragraph it only counts as one line. This'll save on my page count too! Isn't this swee-

They don't need to be one sentence but if I see a fully loaded graph I start to skim. If you use them, see what can be cut. If something can't be cut, perhaps it deserves its own line.

Save your poetic invocation of the Georgia wetlands on a late summer morning for the novel.

Driven to Tear

The "single tear" cliche is a way of letting me know the scene is tragic. At least, that's what you think.

For a reader (definition: one who does not like to be hit over the head with things any more than anyone else does), it sounds more like this:

"TRAGEDY! MY HEROINE IS TRAGICALLY PERFECT! HER WOE IS PERFECTLY TRAGIC! EVERYTHING IS JUST SO PERFECT AND ELOQUENT AND TERRIBLE! OH, THE HUMANITY!"

Don't go to shout. Lose the single tear. We hear you plenty well using your indoor voice.

Good for the Environment

The next time I read a v.o. of the phrase "That's me" I will beat the living smack out of a tree.

You wouldn't hurt a tree, would you?

This was played out by the time 'An American in Paris' came out and even they upped its originality by first showing someone else's face. Fifty odd years later it still needs something else to make it work.

This has been used in some good scripts, but it's also abused in a metric ton of bad ones. Tread carefully here and remember:

When in doubt cut it out.

Use It or Lose It

Apparently, the sleezier you are the nicer your car.

Is this happening in real life? Does some asshabidasher laugh at a little girl's spilt ice cream and the next day find Bimmer keys in his mailbox?

That would explain a lot about the scripts I'm reading. And life in gen.

But I doubt it.

This isn't a search & destroy tip. Just know that as soon as you have a nasty piece of work driving a nice piece of chrome I'll assume the rest of your script will be just as predictable. Remember the ol' theatre rule: Never put a cannon on stage you don't intend to fire.

If Ferris' bff is going to have a turning point when they can't get the miles back off the car, fine. If not, leave it for Top Gear.

Don't Play that Funky Music

♫ Hey mister, hey mister writer, you're not a DJ. Turn the music down! ♪

Times mentioning a specific song is allowed:

1. Karaoke scenes
2. Dichotomy (a happy song over a fight scene, etc...)

And even then you should use 'a song like...' This lets potential producers and directors know what's going on in the scene without locking them into an expensive song.

Even better for you, it lets them know you're a professional who will not crazily think the script must be your 'vision.' It's the producer and director's vision, it's just your script. (Even if you don't believe that, that's the company line. Learn it well.)

Writers who are delicate about their 'children' don't get called back. Writers who insist that the song on the radio must be The Jam's "Waterloo Sunset" may have good taste in tunes, but will also have a bad rep with their reader.

Yes, established writers break this rule. But they got to be established by proving they weren't fussy, helicopter-parents. So tuck it back in your pants.*

*and by 'it' I of course mean your iPod

The Bit with the Dog

Does your script have a bit with a dog?

'The Bit with the Dog' is a shortcut to getting your audience to identify with a character. Usually it has no relation to the plot, but it shows us they're kind, down to earth, nice to animals, etc...

Well known 'Bits with the Dog':

* "You've Got Mail" put theirs in their commercials (just in case we didn't already like Tom Hanks)

* "Iron Man 2" gave theirs to an antagonist, Ivan. His fondness of his pet bird helped us not feel turned off when he was on-screen, even if he was acting against Tony Stark. (They also upped his cred by showing how Stark respected his work)

* I've heard *Sideways* used a lead's handling of grapes on the vine as their bit, but I haven't seen it recently so YMMV

* "Con Air" did a rare reverse-bit between Malkovich's character and the rapist. By insulting the rapist the film gave its audience permission to identify with the cons and their goal of escaping captivity

(This could lead to a discussion of 'people/plots we engage with even if we don't want them to succeed,' but that's another post...)

* The bit in "State of Play?" Debatable, but I say.... The Cheetos. Usually the bit shows a character is kind, but when a lead is smart-with-a-capital-S it's used to show they're normal. By showing the lead throw back a Cheetos bag at a red light we know we're allowed to identify with him. He may be brilliant at his job, but he's still 'like us'

* "Jurassic Park" did this with Alan Grant and the computer. No matter how many letters come after his name he still can't get near a computer w/o futzing things up. We get that

* (Acceptable alt for "Jurassic Park" is taking down the snotty kid without raising his voice. We immediately knew we liked this guy - plus it was a non-infodump way to introduce the terror of the raptors)

* In "The Taking of Pelham 123" (remake) the bit was when Garber spilled his coffee. Did he cuss? Shoot nasty looks at the applause from his co-workers? Nope, he just laughed it off. This showed that despite his meteoric rise in the company he still had little ego and a sense of humor

* My favorite is from Independence Day. It comes when the president hears someone use a snarky Dickens reference to attack him. "That's quite clever," he replies. Like the Pelham example, this shows a lack of 'preciousness' and a refusal to take things personally

NOTE: The bit SHOULD NOT be its own scene unless it's part of a montage of life before the inciting incident. Remember: it's not something we need for the plot. It's there to engage us with the characters.

You may have noticed these occur early in their films. If we already don't like a character then by the time you wedge this in it may be useless.

(Or you could be hinting that the character is not what he seems. Dead handy, isn't it?)

Take Cover

Cover pages. The scripts I see aren't supposed to have personal info on them.

This is not hard. We don't ask you to create a new cover page without personal info (though that would take you all of half a minute). If that's too much bother send in a script without a cover.

This isn't a favor to me - it makes me no nevermind. It's a favor to you. It's so you know how to keep me from doubting you before we even get to 'Fade In.'

Not all my notes will be this simple, but the simple ones are also not negotiable. I've rec'd scripts with this mistake, but they've had to fight harder to win me back.

Make it easy for yourself. Fix the cover.

We See....

We see....

No two words have driven more readers to Theraflu abuse.

"We see..." tells me to take you less seriously. It's unprofessional, redundant, and may be a tautology - but I haven't looked up that word in a while, so maybe not. The reason is b/c we already see everything you write. If you write

Behind her back she holds a CAPTAIN'S GUN.

we'll see it. Writing 'We see a CAPTAIN'S GUN' only tells us you skipped a page of the screenwriting book/played Bejewled on your phone that day in class.

This is a quick search & destroy fix. You're welcome.